Change of name: the why

It took 5 years and 2 months.  A lot of thinking and getting used to.  But, I finally changed my last name to match Ian and L's.

Why wait so long?  Why now?

I have been debating changing my name since before we got married.  I was on the fence and then when we got married and I did not change it immediately, I met so much pressure from others to change my name.  I wrote about that pressure in this post.  I tend to put on the brakes when I feel pressured to do something that I do not feel ready for.  Ian was slightly bummed but thank God he is the awesome guy that he is because he quickly adjusted and got over it.  Even when we went for our first anniversary dinner and the reservation was booked under my last name, and on the menu it said "Happy Anniversary Mr. and Mrs. [my last name]."  Even when he was referred to as Mr. [my last name] countless times at the hospital.  He just laughed at those times and let it go.

Then, I immediately started law school and I felt more comfortable keeping a separate last name.  It made me feel like I was keeping my independence and identity.  I was one of the very few married while in law school and I just was not ready.

Then we had Luca.  Things changed.  She bonded Ian and I together in a whole new way.  I feel like we are more of a family unit now.  My primary role is Mama to my little girl.  I of course am still my individual person with goals and dreams and strengths and weaknesses.  But I am so intwined to Ian through Luca that it started to feel more comfortable to have identity with a new last name.

Luca's transplant hospital refers to me as Luca's last name the majority of the time.  Most people do not know I kept my name so they refer to or introduce me with two last names.

I cannot say what ultimately made me decide to change my name.  Time was the best thing for me to make my decision.  Time to adjust to married life.  Time to adjust to being a family unit.  Time to adjust and form a positive association with having a new last name.

Now that it is official, it feels new.  It feels nice now that I don't have to constantly clarify that we have separate last names.  I am sure it will take some getting used to.  Getting used to signing a new name.

But I am still me.  I was and am Ian's wife, Luca's mom.  Katie, new name or not.

On our 5th Anniversary

Anniversaries make me nostalgic.  My mind wanders to what was happening at this precise time, 5 years ago.  I was starting to get ready.  I was likely on the balcony of the hotel, writing in my journal.  That is one thing I am so glad I did on my wedding day - took the time to journal.  I am normally an anxious person, but I remember being perfectly calm that day.  I felt grateful.  Happy. Perfectly content.  Excited.

I told Ian that in some ways it feels like we have been married for far longer than 5 years.  Probably because our marriage has seen a lot of struggles that I never would have anticipated when we said I do on that day.  We have also seen miracles, generosity, and absolute pure love during that time.  That is a lot to witness in 5 years.

But I also told Ian that in some ways it feels like we just got married.  Those same feelings that I felt on our wedding day still remain.  Grateful.  Happy.  Perfectly content.  Excited.

Happy Anniversary, Ian!

Day 3 - Alone time

For several months, Ian and I had been making alone time a priority.  We arranged for a grandparent to watch L for the day at their house, or to run errands alone, or to go out for a meal just the two of us.  This fall we kind of got out of the habit while we caught up with friends and did lots of fall activities.

It was time for another day.  Today we dropped her off at one of the grandparents and then took the day to ourselves.  We had a long lunch that absolutely hit the spot - we had beers and burgers.  Then we ran some errands and did a quick grocery run.

I am embarrassed to even admit how lazy I was after that.  We came home where I took a long nap and a hot shower (how I love showering without holding a little miss on my hip).  Ian listened to music and cleaned.

It was totally silly the way we spent some of our time home - but it was totally needed.  Some peace and quiet was just what we both needed to relax.

Hopefully we can plan more date nights or days together soon!

Our wedding anniversary

(This post is oh, about a week late.  Moving on.)

Tuesday, the 21st, was our wedding anniversary.  It has been three years since we said those memorable words.

I Do.

And I still do.

Things have not been all bright and happy the entire three years.  My first year of law school put added stress on us but we adjusted.  We figured things out and when things got overwhelming (which they did), we figured out how to work through it.  Ian just about had it with me leaving equal packets all over the house (as I was drinking mass quantities of coffee to stay awake reading at odd hours of the day and night).  I had never seen him so angry...and over equal packets!  That year was all about learning what caused the other person to tick, and how we each feel most loved.  (I learned to throw my equal packets away.)

Then, our second year of marriage was pretty awesome.  I got knocked up and we spent our second year going through all of the joys of pregnancy.  We enjoyed the time we had left as just the two of us.  We prepared for becoming a family of three.  We grew up a little bit and stopped thinking of only "us."  I prepared to be a mom and a law student.  I was able to balance being a wife, being pregnant, and the demands of law school fairly well. 

Then, Luca came along during our third year of marriage.  They say having a child flips your world upside down.  Boy, that's an understatement!  This past year has been stressful.  That first year of marriage, when I was in law school, was not even a taste of the stress we would have to endure.  When we first heard L's diagnosis, we huddled together, and had a discussion.  We prayed for a lot in those early days.  For Luca.  But also for our marriage.  We knew that losing a child, or having a child with medical difficulties could wear on any marriage, even the strongest.  We learned that the divorce rate for those who lose a child or who raise a child with special needs is higher than the average divorce rate.  We vowed to work through it all...together.  We prayed that we would have what it takes to make things work, for us, and for Luca.

It has not been easy since that conversation.  We bicker more than we ever had.  We have moments where we each feel alone, him from being the only one working, me from being the primary caregiver.  But, we also have experienced a love we never had.  And true, overwhelming, life altering joy.  We love our child in a way neither of us expected.  And we love each other in a new way.  It's a love through admiration for the other person.  We admire eachother for what we each have had to do to be a great parent for Luca. 

And through it all, it has been worth it.  It is not the life we expected when we said those words.  But we would still say them over and over again, knowing what we know now.  And at the end of the day, there is no other person we would want on this path than eachother.

(Pictures taken while out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary.  We went to The Black Olive - it was the first dinner just the two of us since my birthday in November.  It was SO nice to have a date night!)

Welcome

Hi there!

I know I am getting some new readers so I thought I would take a moment to show you around.  First, welcome!  You should know that I try my hardest to post often, but with our lives being kind of insane right now, I go missing sometimes.  But I always come back!

Let me tell you a little bit about me, and this blog!  I am Katie (although I go by several different names).  I am wife to Ian.  Mama to Luca.  This blog started (in 2007) as a way to document the planning of our wedding after Ian proposed, but has evolved into a place where I document funny stories, some sad stories, - basically all of the adventures of our life together. 

We had an amazing wedding in Washington, DC, a spectacular honeymoon in Greece, and then moved to Baltimore just a few weeks later for me to enter law school.  Our first year of marriage was full of joy and adventures, especially with my nose burried in the books for most of that time.

We were shocked to learn we were going to expand our family.  Just a few months later, we learned that our lives would be filled with pink, and that Ian would be surrounded by his three girls (me, Tessa, and baby girl).  I was blessed with a smooth, happy pregnancy.  I went way past my due date (and yes my dates were accurate, and yes the waiting game was freaking awful).  Then, finally, baby girl debuted 2 weeks, 3 days past her due date.  Giving birth was one of the most wonderful and wild things I have ever done.  I still wonder how she ever fit in my belly, or fit coming out of me!  (You can read her birth story: Part I here and Part II here.) 

The night before we were discharged from the hospital, Luca got sick.  I spoke about that day here.  She was diagnosed with a rare metabolic disorder called Urea Cycle Disorder (specifically, CPS-I).  Once she was released from the NICU over one month later, I talk about the transformation.  Until December 14th, our life was busy keeping Luca healthy!

Then, Luca had a liver transplant (thanks to my hubs, Ian!) on December 14th, 2010, to act as a cure for the metabolic disorder.  Luca's story even made it into the paper.  We have been in and out of the hospital since then.  All the while, I am still pumping (even though it is a big pain in the butt)!

Browse around in the archives to read more.  Some months that had some big events were June 2008, July 2008, August 2008, January 2010, March 2010, August 2010, December 2010, January 2011.  Feel free to post comments or questions or you can even email me at frommagerkstoidos@gmail.com.  If you want to continue reading our journey, please follow the blog (or follow me on twitter).  Thanks so much for stopping by:)

Happy reading,
Katie

Some other posts that I either like, or think are helpful:
A picture I've been waiting to capture
Should
Some things don't change
When someone has a loved one hospitalized: Part I
When someone has a loved one hospitalized: Part II
Feeding Tubes
Feeding tube questions answered
The ugly side
Here
A typical day in the hospital
My first mother's day
Picture post

Anniversary Celebration

For our 2nd anniversary last weekend, we really were hoping to be able to get away for the weekend.  But with me being so big, and the weather being so hot, we figured that I probably wouldn't be up for a lot of activity if we went somewhere.  We also looked at our finances and felt uncomfortable spending the money to go away for the weekend.  We realize that once she is here, we have to be prepared for anything to happen financially.

So instead, we opted to go out for a super fancy meal at Charleston.  It's only about 10 minutes away, and probably the top rated restaurant in Baltimore.  We had been here once before, about 4-5 years ago and had remembered it being very good.  This time, it certainly did not disappoint.

The food was delicious and I ate just about every bite.  I started with romaine salad with artichokes and a citrus dressing, then had the seared salmon with fresh beets and oranges (this was my personal favorite), and then had the beef tenderloin with rice and beans (this was my least favorite).  Ian started with the beet salad, then had seared big eye tuna, and then had buffalo tenderloin with mushrooms and crispy shallots (this was by far the most amazing of all of our dishes).  I had a cheese plate after dinner, then had the strawberry rhubarb tart with blood orange sorbet.  Talk about eating a lot of food!!

We enjoyed every minute.  We held hands and talked about life together.  We talked about how much our lives are about to change.  We talked and talked and then had quiet moments to sit and look out on the water...both of us cherishing these last few weeks together, and cherishing what was our last super fancy meal together before we two become three. 

At dinner - and wow, my face is starting to look puffy!

We exchanged gifts - second anniversary is "cotton."  We each got each other something little related to that theme.  But then, I was surprised by the second gift Ian gave me.  Ian spoiled me with a camcorder!  We had been talking about getting one but just hadn't managed to look into it.  We talked about how much we wanted one so we could record our little one.  Can't wait to start using it! 

Loved our anniversary celebration this year at a time that is full of all kinds of transitions for us.

2 Years Later

Two years ago, I was staying in a hotel in Georgetown (DC) with my closest girlfriends.  I was relaxing, watching as they were getting their hair and makeup done.  It was a beautiful day - perfectly sunny, mild in temperature, and had the most perfect blue sky.  I went out on the balcony, overlooking the city, and wrote in my journal.  I wanted to record all of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings on the day I was getting married.

I was calm, very abnormal for me!  But I was also so incredibly excited.  Once my hair and makeup were done and I put my dress and veil on, I was ready to go, and I remember saying and feeling that I just wanted to hurry up and get to the church and be next to Ian, holding his hand.

I remember walking down the aisle towards Ian - seeing the faces of all of our friends and family and it felt so surreal.  You dream about that moment for your entire life (or at least I had), and it was finally happening.  Although, in all of those dreams, I hadn't known the face that would be waiting for me at the end of the aisle.  I looked at him and felt like running towards him.  The rest of the ceremony was beautiful - I looked out at our loved ones and felt so blessed.

After pictures, we celebrated our big day, dancing the night away.  When the party finally wrapped up at 1am, lots of friends went out afterwards, but we opted to skip the after party because we were SO exhausted.  Even though we were tired, we were so giddy, and couldn't believe that we were husband and wife.  We sat up talking about the day, telling stories, and went to bed absolutely content with the day we made a lifetime commitment to eachother.

It's amazing how much things stay the same, yet change in two years.  I never would have thought that just 2 years later, we'd be preparing for the next big adventure of our lives: having a baby girl together.  The past two years have brought so much laughter and happiness and love.  We've also had some tests - being in law school and the balancing act that it requires has surely taught us a lot about ourselves, and about how strong our relationship is.  We've traveled, met new friends, fallen out with other friends, settled into life as a married couple, had family issues, been through happy and sad times.  But I have to say, one of the best things that has happened is being reassured that through it all, the relationship we have together can withstand all of it.  And the coolest thing that's happened over the past two years?  Well, besides the fact that I get to spend everyday with my husbby.  We've created a little one.  And we cannot wait to meet her in just a few weeks.

I am constantly reminded of how amazing Ian is.  He is the most patient, genuine, and truly kind person I've ever met.  And not just with me - he's the kindest person to everyone.  When I am quick to judge, he constantly reminds me to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Even when people are rude to him, he remains calm and kind to them.  He is such a blessing in my life, and hubby, I love you.  But those three words just don't seem to be enough! 

Happy Anniversary, Ian!

Conversation from Last Night

Ian and I were laying in bed last night, talking about baby girl's arrival.  I mentioned that I want to go ahead and book a photographer for her newborn photos and was giving him the information I had received yesterday.

Me: Yeah so I want to go ahead and set it up.  She'll only be this little once and I want some beautiful pictures to document it.

Ian: Okay that sounds good.  When will we book it for since we don't know when she's coming?  And what exactly are newborn photos?

Me: I'm not sure about the timing - I'll have to touchbase to figure that part out.  The photographer will come to our house and take lots of cute pictures of her, and probably quite a few of you and me with her.

Ian: Oh no.  Do I have to go shirtless?

WHAT?!  I don't think that's part of newborn baby photos, honey.  Sometimes, he says the strangest things that make me laugh hysterically.  I love my hubs.

Sleeping Beauty

As part of our birthing technique, we are supposed to listen to a 20 minute relaxation cd everyday. We can listen to it as we're going to sleep, and if we fall asleep during it, it's okay as long as you start getting into the relaxation first.

Well we've been trying to do it every night for over a week.  And by trying - I mean that I have been doing it without Ian because as soon as I turn that sucker on, Ian is OUT.  He falls asleep immediately.  As in, he doesn't even make it through a full minute of the cd.

On Tuesday night at our second birthing class (which was great by the way), we did a relaxation exercise.  We were told to bring a yoga mat and pillows to be comfortable.  We both laid down and got into comfortable positions.  Ian and I were holding hands as we started the exercise.  The exercise consists of the instructor walking us through a scenario and you following along in your mind (and sometimes you move a certain body part, like your hand or foot or something).  I was holding onto Ian's right hand about 10 minutes into this relaxation exercise, when we were instructed to lift our right arms.  When he didn't move, I realized he had already fallen asleep.  In class.  In a room full of people.  Realizing what had happened, I gave him a nudge.  It's one thing if he falls asleep in the comfort of our home, in our bed.  But we're on an office floor and in class at 8:00pm. 

That exercise was a waste for me, as I kept coming out of relaxation/hypnosis because he was freaking flinching in his sleep.  And because we were laying so close, every time we were instructed to do something and I could feel that he wasn't doing it, I was getting annoyed.

On the way home I expressed my annoyance that I've been doing these exercises for over a week now, and he has yet to get through more than 5 minutes of one.  He tried to excuse it by saying the relaxation cd must really work - yeah, BS! 

So last night, he started the cd earlier than me in an effort to try to stay awake.  He made it through 3/4's of it before falling asleep.  Progress!!  But then he had the nerve to say this morning that if he were the one carrying the baby, that he'd probably sleep through labor as long as the relaxation cd was on repeat.  Hmmm, I don't think so honey.

It's a good thing I'm carrying this baby because at least hopefully I'll be prepared for this labor (unlike sleeping beauty).

Dinner and a (Scary) Movie

As I've had a few days off from school, I've been getting back into cooking.  Two nights ago, I was in the mood for spaghetti bolognese.  I used this recipe by Emeril - and it was absolutely fantastic.  I would recommend if you're going to make it, cutting back on the cinnamon and nutmeg.  Otherwise, follow it to a T.

We also watched The Lovely Bones.  Before the movie even started, Ian said "why are we watching this?  you don't do well with scary movies."  I'm not really sure why I ever added it to our netflix queue - I think maybe because we had heard it was a good movie from someone.  Well - I hate having to admit this - but he was right.  I am SUCH a little girl when it comes to movies that have anything scary in them.  I closed my eyes through some of the parts.  The funny thing is - the movie isn't even that scary of a movie.  It just deals with a really creepy topic and character.  I was happy when it was over - wishing I had skipped seeing it all together, especially since I didn't even think it was that great of a movie.

We went to bed that night and when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, I could not get out of bed.  I laid there, willing myself to get out of bed, to not be afraid.  Instead, I gently tapped Ian's shoulder, "honey - can you walk me to the bathroom? I'm scared from the movie."  Meanwhile, our bathroom is about 8 steps from our bed - but I have to pass the steps on the way because it's in the hallway.  Luckily, Ian just got out of bed and walked me there and waited and then walked me back.

I'm embarrassed to admit it...but I woke him again the following night to do the same thing.  I guess next time he'll make sure I don't watch scary movies so he doesn't have to get up with me in the middle of the night.  I'm surprised he wasn't more irritated at having to do this both nights in a row.  But I guess he knew what he was getting into when he married someone who is a weeny with scary movies.  But it's times like these that I think, I am one lucky lady.  Sorry honey!

Pain in the butt...literally

Yesterday, I started getting a slight pain in my butt.  Throughout the day, it seemed to get worse and worse.  By last night, the pain was radiating from my lower back all the way down my butt.  I looked it up, and it seems like it's sciatica, which is quite common during pregnancy.

I mentioned on Tuesday that I was scheduled for my first appointment with the new midwife group.  Well, they ended up needing to postpone the appointment to Saturday because they still hadn't received my records from the old OB's office.  Annoying - but it also means that Ian will get to go with me on Saturday so it's fine.

I'll be sure to talk to her about the pain in my butt.  I read that it typically means that the baby has moved into the proper position - head down - and that the weight of everything presses on that particular nerve and it causes pain.  If the pain means baby girl is in the right position, then I'll deal with it!

Pregnancy certainly makes for some bonding moments with husband that I never thought I'd experience.  He gave me a long lower back and butt massage last night because of the horrible pain.  The whole time...he was giggling.  I guess all of these funny (although somewhat embarrassing moments, remember the peeing story?) bonding moments are just preparation for that huge moment when baby comes out and hubby sees things he can never prepare himself for. 

Ahh, the joys of pregnancy :)  I wouldn't trade it.

Lazy Days

I had a lazy weekend with the hubby - and it was just what I needed.  It's my last weekend of winter break afterall.  Friday and Saturday I felt kind of crappy - the nausea was making a reappearance but I'm thinking it was just a short visit.  While I wasn't feeling well on Friday, I called the hubby and vented.  Sometimes, the emotions just really do hit you out of nowhere.  He got me somewhat calmed down, and when I got off the phone I decided I'd work on some homework to distract myself.

Just as I was looking my homework up and opened the book to start reading, the front door unlocked.  It nearly scared me half to death.  Tessa started barking (my little guard dog) until the door opened and Ian was walking in 2 hours early from work, with flowers in his hand.  I started clapping and giggling like a little girl.  Seriously, to have him be able to surprise me 2 hours early was awesome enough, the flowers just sealed the deal.  After he came him and gave me a kiss, he went back out to his car to get his work bag.  Through the door he came with another bouquet of flowers.  He must've known I really needed some cheering up.  Poor guy then came in and cleaned up the mess I'd made with baking during the day.

It made me start thinking of how my relationship with Ian has changed since finding out we are expecting.  I wouldn't have thought I could love him more than I did before, but pregnancy really brings us together on a whole new level.  He's the person I share all my fears with about the pregnancy.  All the excitement, we share together.  And all the personal, not so lovely things of pregnancy that occur to a lady's body - I share it all with him.  And I would've thought he would've been grossed out about hearing these things - but instead, he laughs with me about them.  There is no judgment there. 

As a side note, I have been reading Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs book and truly it's making me feel like I'm not alone with all the things that happen during pregnancy.  If you are newly pregnant, or going to be pregnant at some point, I highly recommend you read this book.  She is bluntly honest about everything going on - the good, bad and ugly.  But she makes you laugh about all these things. 

I had high hopes to go maternity clothes shopping over the weekend - but it just didn't happen.  It is on my to-do list, along with lots of other errands that I've been avoiding for weeks.  I am feeling like my energy might be starting to increase a bit, so here's to hoping that I can get to some things on that list over the next few weeks.  But considering this belly is ever-expanding, shopping for some clothes is probably at the top of that list!

Spoiled

Having so much vacation time with Ian over the holidays truly spoiled me.  Last week was his first full week back at work, and everyday I felt a little bummed out being at home by myself.  I missed goofing around with him, eating a lengthy breakfast, going out for lunch, or just laying on the couch watching TV or movies.  I loved having the time off with him.

By Friday, I was so relieved to have time with him over the weekend.  We met up with lots of friends this weekend.  Friday night I went to a girls-night-in party and the hostess had arranged a sex toys party.  It provided lots of laughs with girls I don't see very often.  Saturday, we had lunch with Kim and her hubby at one of our favorite places.  We always have lots of laughs with those two.  And yesterday, we met up with my friends Annie, Nick (and his gf) and Josh (and his gf) for brunch.  Meals with Nick and Josh tend to involve very inappropriate topics and the boys inevitably embarrass us with their loudness - always good times.  I hadn't seen this group in awhile - so it was so great to catch up with them - I really miss living near them.

We had a fabulous weekend.  Now, it's Monday, and Ian's at work and I'm feeling a little bummed out once again.  But today, I'm keeping myself busy with schoolwork (I start back to school a week from tomorrow) and hope to finally break down the Christmas tree.  Yeah, I was selfish and refused to spend my time with Ian doing things like chores and taking down the tree - I wanted to snuggle and lay on the couch.  It will be good to go back to school so I can stop being a baby :)

Amazing Race

Our time in Philadelphia, while short, was absolutely amazing.  I will have a very full recap tomorrow, along with some awesome pictures (thanks to my brother taking them). 

And two of our other friends also ran and finished strong. I'm sure Kim will have a recap of her own tomorrow.



We spent time with family, friends, had a great dinner, walked a ton, watched Ian run his first marathon and had a fantastic time while doing so (even though we both got a little emotional at the end of it).  I am incredibly proud of him for finishing it.  And he finished just over his goal of 4 hours - 4:09.

Lots to come tomorrow.

Late Twenties

At 2am this morning, I officially entered my late 20's - I turned 27.  It's hard to believe how quickly time seems to pass us by.

But I'm loving every minute of this birthday.

Last night, my law school friends had me over and we all ate indian takeout.  Then they surprised me with a cake, candles and singing happy birthday.  They have truly been one of the best things about my law school experience - they are amazing people.

Then, I got home from dinner and Ian wouldn't let me go upstairs.  I waited rather impatiently and then he came downstairs.  I asked for my present and he obliged!  I am incredibly spoiled by the hubs.  He got me this:

We had been looking for a nicer camera recently.  And what perfect timing - right before our big trip to England in a month.  So we've been testing it out - lots of pictures of Tessa thus far.

Today, we went to Clementine for breakfast.  I had heard good things and been wanting to check it out.  We both loved our meals and the old time feel of the place.  And even better - it was inexpensive!  We'll definitely be heading back there to check it out for lunch or dinner sometime soon.

Then - he surprised me.  He did something I didn't think he would ever do.  He bought two tickets (in advance) to New Moon for us to see it at 12:30 today.  I, of course, was ecstatic, but I think this definitely falls into the sacrifice category for him.  We saw it - with all the other Twilight nerds - and loved it.

I am one lucky girl.

Thoughts on Religion

Yep - I'm going there.  I want to talk to everyone about religion, or being spiritual, whatever yours may be, or the lack thereof for some people. Maybe if we were more comfortable talking about these things, we'd all understand eachother just a little better. We don't have to believe what others do, but it might be nice to understand why they believe it.

I grew up going to church every Sunday.  My mom is fairly religious (whatever that means is really a personal definition), so it was important that we grew up in a similar home.  I went to a private, Catholic school for middle and high school, and a Jesuit Catholic college.  With all of that, you can certainly say I was exposed to religion.
Then I met Ian.  He is someone who didn't grow up with any religion.  He isn't against religion, but isn't sure what he believes.  I couldn't understand it when we first met.  But we talk a lot about religion, and I understand now that not having grown up in a believing household would probably influence my beliefs as well.  And to be honest, with so many different opinions on higher power(s), different religions, different beliefs, I don't blame him for being confused.  I grew up in one religion my entire life, and even I sometimes don't even know.  I think also, certain things may happen in people's lives to make them turn to, or away from believing in anything bigger than them.  For me, I've had some terrible tragedies occur that have made me believe.  And I've also been stressed to no end, when suddenly something or someone comes into my life that changes everything, and it leaves me believing that it was meant to be, that there is reason to it. 

But here's where we are on the same page.  For me, the church was a place I could always turn to.  It reminds me on a daily basis that I am fortunate.  It reminds me to help others, be open-minded, and value the people around me.  It reminds me that family is the most important thing.  Going to church, I don't feel judged.  People can look however they do, with no judgment.  I've been on retreats, and met some of the most kind people I've met in my life.  And for me, I'm naturally an anxious person.  So my belief that there is a higher power, something greater than little measly me, that maybe I do not have control of everything, helps calm me.  It doesn't all rest on my shoulders.  My religion, has taught me incredible values.

Do I think you have to be a part of a formed religion to have these values? No. Absolutely not.  Do I think a weekly reminder at church encourages kids to be kinder, and teaches them important values, yes.  Does it work for every person? No.  Do I think it inspires kids and adults to think of others a little more often? Yes. 

For me, religion is what you make of it.  You can go to church everyday and still be a crappy person in my book.  It really is what you make of it.  If you use it to inspire you and remind you to think of others, then why not go for it?

I also know that people not into the whole God (or whatever you call your higher power) thing have fairly strong opinions about the situation.  Some may think that religious people judge.  But I think that depends on the person.  For me, it taught me to NOT judge, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to say I'm sorry, to forgive, to be understanding and compassionate.  They may think it's weird, or that religious people think they're better than others, more right than others.  Again, it depends on the person.  I can do the best I absolutely can in a situation, thinking it's the right thing to do, and be completely wrong.  So who the hell am I to judge someone else's decisions.  I can certainly think for myself, but thinking something isn't knowing it - it's purely a belief. 
My hope in discussing this is to get people to be more open-minded.  I have to commend my dear hubby on this.  He goes with me to church every single time, supported my wish to get married in the Catholic church, and is totally onboard with raising our children as Catholics.  He asks questions and tries to understand.  When something major is going on in our lives, and I turn to prayer or reflection to center myself, he will sometimes join me.  He may not believe all of it, but he at least supports me on it, and is interested in learning more.  And I couldn't ask from more form him.

Overall, for me, religion/being spiritual helps me regain balance in my life, and I can hardly think anyone would say that's a bad thing.

What are your thoughts on all of this? 

Random Friday Thoughts

I have hesitated to say anything for fear of jinxing myself - but I am down 3 lbs since stopping the asthma medicine.  I'll take it!  And honestly, it just inspires me to work out even harder.  Like yesterday, I burned 700-800 calories in my hour long workout.  And I hope I can push just as hard today when I go to the gym.  I'll continue to keep you updated on the health progress!

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Yesterday, I had just had a killer work-out (ummm, my butt is SO sore today), and was feeling exhausted but relieved that my school week was over.  I had won a starbucks gift card on Tuesday night, so stopped by and picked up a pumpkin spice latte.  Driving home, I saw the mailman and realized I had missed the mail going out, so turned around to go give him a birthday card to go out.  I went to pick up my coffee and realized as the entire cup spilled all over my car that the starbucks person hadn't put the top on properly.  I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning up ORANGE latte out of my car.  I'm not really sure what smell to expect when I get in my car.  It could be really bad or really good.  Cinnamon spice smelling, or sour milk smelling?  Let's hope for the former.

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Also at Starbucks, I picked up their new instant coffee packets.  I figured I'd give them a try, especially since I had a coupon for it.  I tried it this morning - fan-freaking-tastic.  Tastes like a fresh cup of coffee.

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Last night, Ian politely asked that I keep him company in the kitchen while he did the dishes after dinner.  I got caught up with other stuff and left him hanging.  He rarely gets irritated with me (because I'm just so freaking perfect you know - errrr, or he's just really laid back and puts up with a lot of my crap), but this was one of the rare times he did.  I have a very rough time apologizing.  I feel extremely ashamed and like absolute crap if I ever have to apologize.  Nevertheless, I sucked it up, and apologized.  But being that he rarely gets the opportunity to be mad at me, he ended up dragging it into this huge thing.  Then I ended up mad.  Just because he was still mad at me.  I know - it's crazy and ridiculous.  But I can't help it.  He knew that it took a lot to apologize.  But he finally admitted that he doesn't know how it happens, but when I should be apologizing more, he ends up being the one apologizing.  At this moment, we both bursted out laughing.

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Random weekend plans:

• birthday celebration for a law school friend this evening in Fells Point
• Pumpkin Patch (yes, I did try to go the past 2 weekends - but the weather simply did not cooperate with us)
• Kim and Jeremy are coming over for dinner
• Ian and I are going browsing at some stores for me to show him some things I want for my birthday

Now, I'm off to get a flu shot and then heading to the gym - I probably won't be able to move when I wake up tomorrow considering how sore I already am.  SWEET!  Happy weekend!

Priorities

I think I've made it very clear that I cannot wait to have babies.  Ian is more than ready as well.  But this little thing called law school is getting in the way.  That, and the lack of money (because of school).  We've accepted learned to live with the fact that we need to wait to have kids until I'm finished with school.  But we still can't help but be anxious and excited at the prospect.

I am not on birth control anymore.  This leads an anxious person to be anxious every. single. month.  We certainly are not trying to get pregnant right now, but we've both realized that if I got pregnant, we'd be thrilled.

But each month when I get reassurance that I am not pregnant, I can't help but feel disappointed.  Ian admittedly feels the same way.  So what does this all mean?  Do we really want to wait?  Is it the right thing to wait another two freaking years to start having a family?  I really do not know.  We know we want at least 2, preferably 3-4 children.  And if we wait another 2 years, I'll be 29 when we start having babies - that does not give us a lot of time to pop out 3-4 kids if I want to be finished being pregnant by the time I'm 35.  And that's if we're so lucky to get pregnant right away.

Ugh - this ticking time bomb is crazy.  Men in my law school who are married have started families, or are getting ready to start families while in school.  They say it's the best time.  But I'm not sure being the woman carrying the baby, while attending classes and studying for exams, and let's not forget about getting a job at a law firm while pregnant - all of that is not so easy.

And let's not forget that we haven't bought a house yet.  Do we start moving forward with this now?  That way we'll be in a house in time to start trying in a couple years.  And also, the prices are probably the best possible right about now.

We have a lot of decisions to make - and the thought of all of them makes me excited, exhausted, nervous and emotional all at once.  I am so glad I have Ian as my husband to make these decisions with.  We'll be talking and thinking a lot about our priorities in the near future.  Who knows what our future holds!

A Katie Moment

Two nights ago I went to pilates class at my gym with Beth, who I know through mutual friends and we are in the all ladies fantasy football league together.  I was chatting on the phone on my way home, and when I arrived, realized there was no parking on our street or around the corner.  We live directly across from a very old restaurant that has a small parking lot so around dinner time we occasionally have trouble parking.  I decide to double park my car, blocking Ian's car in and will move it when a spot opens up.

I make soup for dinner (Ian is getting over a cold, and I refuse to get his!) and made him tea and vitamin water and more tea.  We watched TV and decided to go to bed early.  Laying in bed at 10:20pm, we hear a knock at the door.  It's our next door neighbor who we are fairly close with (an elderly couple who happen to be very good neighbors).  Ian gets dressed and heads downstairs.  I hear him chatting with said neighbor, then shut the door, and say "Kattteeeeee" in a tone which described to me what the conversation was about.

DAMNIT!  I had left my car double parked for over 3 hours with the blinkers on which meant my battery was likely dead.  And it was.

As I headed outside in my pjs with Ian to try to jump it (thank goodness I had parked next to his car so it would reach!), instead of getting upset or angry, we both just bursted out laughing.  That was such a "me" moment - so freaking stupid to have forgotten.  But a little laugh (and some embarrassment on my part) later, my car is all better.  It's times like that that I'm happy to be married to Ian who is the epitome of calm.  He did try to make me feel better by saying it could happen to anyone, but I secretly think he probably had himself a lot of laughs at my expense when he went to work the next day and told his work buddies.  I don't blame them!

The Things We'll Do

I meant to write about this on September 1st - but never got around to it, or when I did have time, I forgot to write about it.

Ian and I met each other when we were very different people.  I was a senior in college, loving senior life and spending as many nights as possible enjoying my remaining college days before entering the real world.  Ian was a few years out of college, enjoying bachelorhood by living in Federal Hill with 2 roommates.  We both drank far too much - but I guess that is part of what happens when you're young and single and enjoying college/post-college life.

As Ian and I became more serious, I knew one thing was going to have to change if we were to begin planning our lives together: smoking.  Ian grew up in England and France which happens to be a very smoke friendly culture.  He was in the wrong crowd (from what I hear) and began smoking cigarettes when he was about 12 years old.

While Ian and I were dating, he was normally respectful not to smoke when he was with me and shower before he would see me.  But at about 1 year into being together, we came to the mutual decision that we could never live together with that habit.

So over several months, we kept chatting about the possibility of him quitting.  He had tried to quit a few times before, but mentally just had not been in it because he truly enjoyed smoking (as I think most smokers do).  He finally made the decision to quit.  But how and when would he be able to?  Smoking had become such a routine at work for him, along with being surrounded by friends who almost all smoke and fellow workers who did as well.

We planned our first trip together to Topsail Island, NC for 1 week.  We left on September 1, 2006.  That was the day, he decided, would be the start of him quitting.  By being with me for an entire week (which meant no smoking), and getting away from his daily routine and the people he was used to smoking with, he thought the trip would be the perfect time.

He came to pick me up to leave for NC, and had his last cigarette that morning.  He did absolutely beautifully with quitting.  He said it was not that difficult because of the way he had done it: talking it over for a few months to mentally get a grasp of it, then planning a way to help him quit in the best way possible.  Occasionally he will say he craves a cigarette but never succumbs to that desire.  Since that day, he has not had one drag of a cigarette.

I am incredibly proud of him for overcoming an addiction which some people struggle with their entire lives.  And as he prepares for his first marathon, I have to think that he wouldn't be able to come as far along in his training if he were still smoking.  When he crosses the finish line in a couple months, I'll be cheering him on - not only for the amazing victory of running his first marathon, but also because I couldn't feel more proud of him for making a change in his life, and ours. It's amazing the things we'll do to make things right with the person we love - and I am incredibly fortunate for that.