To anyone who is still reading, I am here. We have (what a surprise) been in and out of the hospital the last week. With big bad news yesterday, I had a meltdown. And if I'm being completely honest, I haven't quite stopped having that meltdown. I think it was due. I've been holding it together for 9 months, being tough, positive, keeping hope and faith.
But news yesterday that our sweet baby may need another transplant took my breath away. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
There are a lot of details to what is happening...too many that you won't be interested in. But only time will tell what her little body needs. She is currently happy and I am grateful for that.
It brings back so many fears. My mind wanders to scary, dark places. I don't dwell in these thoughts, but they do enter my mind. And I have been afraid to say my fears out loud for fear that saying them will make them come true. It is irrational but it is how I feel.
We opted to transplant her because it was the best chance at giving her a happy life. We had hoped it would give her a life outside of the hospital. But that's where we've been living basically for the past 9 months. I am tired. I am devastated.
My heart is aching for so many reasons. For Luca, for Ian, for our family. I am sad. Right now, I'm just asking God to give us some good news. I'm asking for hope. I am asking that our Luca can heal and be home with us. I am praying that her liver (which is working well) and bile ducts (which are not working well) work in harmony to keep our baby healthy.
I have so many things I want to write about. I will get to it soon.