Study break

Is anyone out there?  It's just me, here, taking a little break from studying for the Bar.  I graduated.  That's a whole other post in itself.  And in case you haven't heard, bar studying is awful.  That one word, awful, pretty much sums it up (although, in person, I have a few expletives to describe it, but I'll spare you).

Just interrupted my long hiatus from blogging to say hi.

And to tell you that today, I'm been periodically coming out from my hole to say hi to L and she happened to find my first pair of tap shoes from when I was a little girl.

And then, as I was watching her perform a little number for me (by this I mean her stomping around, naked!), I thought, I am so lucky to have this munchkin around for my study breaks!

Until the end of this month, ciao.

On we go

We are finally at a point where L is excited when we mention that she is going to school.  She runs to her backpack, yells "Mama uppa" (asking if I will be picking her up from school), then "Tttessssa" (asking if Tessa will be coming with me to pick her up).  She still cries when Ian drops her off, but her teachers assure me that she calms down within a couple minutes and enjoys the rest of the day.  She is all smiles when I pick her up.  At school, she is loving PE, art and music.  She comes home with art projects on a weekly basis.  Her teachers tell me she is "head strong", as if that is news to me.  Of course she is, she has to be to fight for life!

We were prepared for a year of lots of colds since this is her first time around this many kids and we can only protect her from illness to an extent.  And thank goodness we were prepared because we are in week 3 of school and she is on her 3rd cold.  Her immune system weakness is no joke.  Fortunately, the colds have not bothered her too much and have not required any intervention until today.  Her cough has been lingering just too long and antibiotics are needed.  But she is still eating and happy so on we go.

Life has been a bit crazy since she started school.  She is going through another liver transplant complication that is scaring me to the core.  The words "relisting" and "retransplant" have been discussed, but will not be decided on for months yet.  Nonetheless, this start of the school year has been quite busy with her being in school, me being in my last semester, and with the added procedures and hospital admissions on our plate.

As a result, I am trying to take better care of my body.  Walking more regularly.  Drinking less alcohol. Eating better.  I am wearing my Fitbit religiously and trying to get outside to help with my stress levels. We also are continuing to meet up with friends and family and trying to keep life as upbeat and normal as possible.  We have the best of family and friends around us.

On we go, even with the bumps.

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What I would do for some coffee

Today was my first day of my last semester of law school.  I reread that sentence over and over to let it sink in and cherish how far we've come.  I say we because it took a lot of time, effort, and understanding from Ian, his parents, my family, friends, to get me here.

I have deadlines for the bar application, for some job opportunities, for graduation.  It is overwhelming how much needs to get done in the next few months.

And honestly, all I can think about when I think of everything I need to do is...I miss coffee.

Did I tell you I cut all coffee two months ago?  It is hell.  My stomach had been acting up and I decided to cut a few things to see what was causing the issues.  And of all the things I cut out, I was hoping that of them the coffee would be the one that was okay.  No such luck.

Luckily though, my tummy is happier without it.  But man, I really miss it.  Ian catches me smelling his coffee sometimes.  Odd?  Perhaps.

Hopefully I have enough on my plate over the next few months to keep me from missing it too much.  If not, maybe they make coffee scented perfume to make me feel like I have had some?

Morning to night

I have been taking a law-school boot camp this week for 3 credits.  I have been leaving the house at 7:45am and coming home at about 7 or 8pm, eating dinner, and then continuing work at home.

I am running on coffee this week - seriously, I know if I rest my head for just a second that I will doze, so I just keep plugging away.  And while I am so, so, tired, this week just reaffirms how awesome Ian and our families are.  Luca has spent time with her god-parents, her grandma, her granddad, her nanny, and tomorrow she gets a daddy/daughter day.  Lots of interaction this week while I am busy.

I have said it a lot, but I am ever reminded to be sure to say that I am so grateful to the people that surround us.  The fact that everyone is so willing to help with Luca just shows how lovable our little girl is.

And as of Monday, another 3 credits closer to to graduating.

And after Monday, get ready for some exciting posts!

About to poke my eyes out.  So.tired.of.editing.  Seriously, how do people write academic books for a living?  I am writing one article and it is driving me crazy.  I get a little delirious and giggly from it - and not from a "i'm loving this" kind of way.  More from an "OMG WILL THIS EVER STOP maybe I need a glass of wine, no maybe more coffee, thank goodness for spell-check because 'attention' and 'contract' do not look like they are spelled that way in real life" kind of way.

Did you even understand that paragraph?  Yeah, I didn't think so either.  Just believe me when I say I am looking forward to getting back to this little space of mine where I do not have to write all these legal terms and back up everything I say with footnotes.

Now, another cup of coffee and more editing. Wheeeeeee!

Returning soon

Hi friends.  I have been absent from this blog but I promise to return soon.  I am busy working on my massive paper every second I get.  This has been my mode of working for the last week or so:

Big dorky headphones on.  Classical music playing.  Tons of papers in my hands.  Frantically editing.

I have lots of updates and stories and photos to share.  Promise to be back after I send this draft in on Friday.  In the meantime, I hope you are having a great week :)

Adjusting?

Going back to law school has been an adjustment.  In the beginning, I told myself it would feel like normal in no time.  Deep breath.

But I'm a month in now, and it has not gotten easier.  It does not feel normal.  I realized that being in school while being a wife and mom is just plain hard.  I constantly have to balance which role comes first at that moment.  I know it will be worth it and I have no regrets about doing this, and doing it right now, but I think it will just be plain hard from here on out.

Luca, thank God, is totally fine with me having other things to do.  Ian has had to take on more alone time with Luca on the weekends.  And I spend a full weekend day doing work.

But it made me think that this feeling, of feeling like I am being pulled in different directions, is likely what it is like for any working mom (stay-at-home-moms of course have extremely important, hard work so please do not think that I am saying any differently).  Working moms have different hats to wear.  They have to focus and be 100% on at work, while also taking care of being mom 100% too.  Yet somehow, I think even at work all moms leave a piece of their hearts at home.  That is what I find difficult - when I am doing schoolwork, I worry about what Luca is up to, even just wondering what she is doing, and when I spend time with her, my mind is constantly going through everything I need to get done for school.

Do we ever really fully adjust or find a happy balance?  Or do we just learn to balance in a way that does not leave us feeling miserable?  Guilt.  Worry.  Two feelings I think come with the territory of being a parent. Is there a way to ever let go of these feelings?

I attended a workshop at my previous job.  It was all about work-life balance.  And the speaker said something like, "in what universe did we get the impression that we can be 100% at every single thing we do?  Mom, wife, businesswomen, fit, daughter, sister, friend.  This 'have it all' mentality is dangerous and sets us up to constantly feel overwhelmed.  We cannot be 100% in each area, all the time.  Balance is about divvying up our time and energy to equal 100%."

That speaker left a big impact on me.  It is true that when I let go of this need to be perfect in all areas of my life, it is freeing.  It allows me to focus on each task better.  For me, my top priorities are my marriage and Luca - everything else will have to be behind that.  If that means less time on school work, then so be it.

I am making sure to keep a good fiction book next to the bed to read before I go to sleep at night.  It relaxes me, and keeps my mind from wondering to that massive list of to-do's.  I know that if I let myself start worrying, my mind starts racing and before I know it, it will be 2am and I will still be awake, worrying.

Breathe.  One day at a time.  This is just a phase.  It will all be worth it.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Quiet

Ian and Luca are visiting grandparents so I can get a lot of school work done.  Tess is keeping me company.  No clanks of toys being played with, giggles, or the sound of Elmo on the ipad.  No pitter-patter of her feet going up and down the hall.  Just the sound of pages turning, snoring from Tessa, and the clicking of the keyboard.  It is eerily quiet.

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This week's lessons

Well, my first week of law school has come to a close.  Things I have learned:

• Since my free time to do work is so limited, it makes me extremely productive during those times.  Also, whenever I have a few minutes free, I feel the need to spend it on getting a head start on reading.  It almost seems easier to be in law school since having Luca in terms motivation to get my work done.
• That being said, I need to get back into the academic mindset.  I have been inundated with medical terms over the last 2.5 years, and I need to adjust my thinking to center around law.  It will get easier with time, but is certainly an adjustment.
• I am old to be in law school.  The majority of students are not married, and most certainly do not have kids.  While waiting to speak with a professor, some students asked where I was an attorney.  It made me laugh a bit.
• I missed Luca more than I thought I would.  I am only leaving her home two days a week, and not even the entire day.  But man, halfway through my day I was aching to snuggle her.  I was so excited to make it home each night in time to see her before bedtime.  And Luca - totally fine with me being gone a couple days per week.

Being back in school means less time for meeting up with friends and writing here.  But so far, so good.  Hopefully over the next couple weeks I can get myself into a good routine that feels more natural.

Today

2013 started out a bit more adventurous than I would have liked.  Luca was diagnosed with a complication from her transplant.  Right now, we just need to learn to live with it.  Luckily, the complication does not cause any discomfort for her - but it causes some worry for Ian and I.  Last night, we ordered a fancy video monitor to keep a closer eye on her while she sleeps.  That should help us all get some more restful sleep so I don't have to keep checking on her if she coughs or sneezes in the middle of the night.

But we are moving forward.  After getting that news yesterday, it was hard to leave her today to attend my first day back in law school.  This is a wonderful opportunity and it kind of forces me to move forward and not dwell on her diagnosis, but still, she's my baby and I feel more comfortable being with her, just in case.

But here I sit, in the cafe at school, writing a few words here to record this momentous day.  I was not sure if I would ever be able to come back to school.  Or if Luca would ever be at a point where she could be left for the day.  Here we are.  Arms wide open for all of the possibilities given to us.  Keeping our fears to the side.  Trying to push forward and live.  It is certainly a process, but we are getting there.  And along the way, we are so grateful for everyone in our life helping to make this opportunity a reality.  Thank you.

Change is here

I hinted awhile ago that I have been busy taking care of some things in life that will lead to some changes around here.  Well, here it is.

I am starting back to school in January.

Most of you know that prior to Luca's birth, I was in law school.  In fact, she was due in July and I was scheduled to start my 3rd and final year of school just a few weeks after her birth.  Then, she was 2.5 weeks overdue, and then, well, we all know what happened next.

Since then, life has been on hold.  I knew that I wanted to finish my degree, but I also knew that we cannot afford to take out anymore student loans, as my current student loans for my first two years of law school will be difficult to pay down now that we can anticipate lots of medical expenses in our lifetime.

I met with some of my favorite mentors at my school, and talked openly about my desire to return to school, but also about the financial issue.  Then, one of these mentors stepped up and advocated for me.  Then, another one did.  Then, the financial committee got involved and wanted more information about our situation.  I also mentioned that I have done a few things to give back to Children's during my time away from school.  They wanted more information again, so one of Luca's doctors stepped up and wrote a letter on my behalf.

And then, I got a call that made me jump up and down and do a happy dance with tears coming down my face.  **My school has agreed to cover the cost of tuition for the remainder of my credits.**  Can you believe that?!  That prayer has been answered.  I still have to worry about money for books, and for the small amount in fees per semester, but I have faith that somehow, some way, that money will come to us.  The hard part, the tuition, is being covered.  For that, thank God.

I am officially registered.  I plan on taking 7 credits during the spring, summer, and fall semesters of next year, and then I will be done.  I do not plan on taking the bar.  [EDITED:  At least not take the bar at this time in my life.  The hours of studying required would be impossible while also managing Luca's appointments and being a mom to her.  Maybe once she is in school full-time it will be an option.]  Instead, I plan on looking for a job that allows me to help our family financially, and allows me to do some good for kids.

My schedule for the Spring semester is flexible enough to be home most of the time, and on the days that I am at school, Ian's parents will be taking care of Luca.  Both families have been more than supportive these past couple years, and once again they all are doing everything in their power to help us move onto a better stage in our lives.  We are so lucky.

I have so many people who helped make this happen.  I am putting it out in the universe that I want the means to pay this forward one day.  It won't be tomorrow, but one day, I want to ensure that someone else in a similar situation has the opportunities that I have been given.

The time away from Luca will be good for both of us.  We have been attached to each other for over two years, and she has been giving us every sign that she is ready for some change.  I am so grateful for this time home - it was necessary and we were fortunate to have family around us that enabled me to stay home.  And I never know when something else will happen in Luca's medical situation that will require more intervention - so for right now, when our life is beginning to take on more normalcy, I am taking advantage of it and finishing this degree.

It won't be easy balancing school on top of everything else in this crazy life of ours, but I have high hopes that it will all be worth it.

Hot

*If you haven't left a guess as to when you think baby girl will arrive, please do so now! Leave a comment on this post with the date and time you think she'll be born, along with how big you think she'll be (height and weight). The height and weight will be used if there's a tie.



This heat is bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S).  It's actually making me a little cranky.  I really want to go for a walk - but 100 degrees + humidity = swollen feet for this lady (besides the fact that I sweat like a pig). 

I've been staying indoors as much as possible.  This morning, I had a meeting with one of the deans at my school.  My schedule is still not sorted out for the fall, and well, it needs to be so I can confirm childcare.  Really my schedule is in great shape except for 1 class.  There is only 1 other 4-credit class offered on the two days that I plan on being at school, and it is full.  I was hoping that some begging might let them bump me into the class, but nope.  Instead, they said I'm stuck.  Either I have to find childcare for another day per week, jump through hoops to get the minimum credits to stay full-time, or drop to part-time (which would entail not getting as much financial aid, and not graduating on time).  Clearly, dropping to part-time does not seem to be an option.

Now, I'm off to research some alternatives.  I don't know how I'm going to be a mom and make law school work when my school isn't really willing to accomodate me.  Disappointing, for sure.

Finished!

Officially finished with my 2nd year (assuming I didn't absolutely bomb any exam ha).

Now, it's time to focus on this baby girl in my belly!

Pregnancy Brain Moment

Friday night we were making burgers.  I seared them on the stove then put the entire pan in the oven to cook them through.  I pulled the pan out and placed it on the stove.  Walked away for a few seconds and came back, barehanded, and grabbed the handle of the pan, completely forgetting that it had just been in the oven at 450 degrees.  Stupid pregnancy brain!

A few tears later, a quick run to rite-aid, and I was in business for a weekend of studying, and typing with mostly one hand.  The burn is essentially a large section of my palm.  It's been bandaged up with burn medicine all weekend.  Feeling uncomfortable - but MUCH better than Friday night. 

I had to have it healed and ready to go for my 8 hour take-home exam that starts in about 10 minutes.  Wish me luck.  I soooo wish I could have a celebratory glass of wine when I'm officially done with this semester later this evening.  I guess some sparkly juice will have to suffice.  Ahhh, I can almost taste freedom!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

The BIG paper was turned in on Tuesday and I finished my first exam yesterday.  As I turned in each of these pieces, I felt a little weight lift off my shoulders.  Along with that relief, I've felt a little happier.  I've been feeling a little more like myself the closer I get to finishing the rest of my exams.  Two more exams to go, and then I can devote all of my attention to Ian and Tessa, and this adorably active baby girl.  I am so incredibly excited!!

In baby related news, I've been looking for some cute thank you cards.  We've been accumulating more baby things from friends and family and I must get some thank you cards sent out.  Have any websites you'd recommend for baby related thank you cards?  Or any etsy sellers with cute baby thank you cards?

Babies

I don't know about you, but I am so excited to see this movie:  Babies!

Now off to finish cramming for my 1st exam...wish me luck!

Gloomy Monday

It's a gloomy Monday, but it's kind of better this way because I am in crunch mode.  Final HUGE paper due tomorrow, exam on Wednesday, exam on Friday, exam next Monday.  Praying I get through this week without losing my sanity.

4 random things for you today (and they are unrelated to each other):

1.  The glider and ottoman are arriving today and I cannot WAIT!

2.  Places that ban certain breeds of dogs are CRAZY! (and I'm not just saying that out of the blue - I've done my research and seriously, the laws suck, cost money, and are completely ineffective).

3.  I am madly in love with my husband (for lots of reasons - hopefully will have time to discuss them in more detail this week.  But right this second...I'm loving that he got me dunkin donuts decaf coffee so I could make some this morning.)

4.  I think baby girl found my left rib cage this morning.  She's been playing with my most bottom rib.  Oh, and I found 1 stretch mark.  Eek!

It's Friday and sunny outside

I did the prenatal yoga video yesterday, not sure what to expect compared to the Long and Lean prenatal video.  The yoga video was much more relaxing with some strength work, lots of stretching, and lots of breathing exercises.  I felt renewed and relaxed when I finished.  Even better, it's just about 1/2 hour from start to finish.  There is also a post-natal workout on the video that I'll be excited to try out after baby girl debuts.  I'll probably alternate between the more intense Long and Lean video and the prenatal yoga video - really totally different workouts, but both were great.

I am heading out in a little bit to my 28-week doctor's appointment.  We'll go through the normal routine (pee in a cup, weight check, blood pressure check, listen to heartbeat, answer any questions).  But today, I also take the gestational diabetes test.  I've been eating really well, but I'm particularly nervous for this test because my sugar levels were slightly high before I even got pregnant.  Not sure if that's bad news, or whether my sugar levels will be completely different with pregnancy hormones.  I guess we'll see today!

Other than my appointment today, I will be busy revising my huge paper and hopefully will have some time to start studying for my first exam.  Oh, and I hope to get outside to enjoy this beautiful weather!

Random Thursday thoughts

Thanks so much for your comments yesterday!  I woke up feeling much brighter about the situation - must be from a better night sleep :)

Two nights ago I only slept about 3 hours.  I woke up at about 1am with my stomach hurting because I was hungry.  I finally got out of bed at 3am and ate some toast.  It didn't really help much.  Finally fell back to sleep around 5:30am.  Hoping that was just a fluke.

I also chipped my tooth two nights ago...eating cooked veggies.  Say what??  I don't know what happened!  But it's one of my back teeth thank goodness - so I'll just make a dentist appointment when I get a free second.

Yesterday was my last day of classes - wahoo!!  Now I'm in major paper-writing and studying mode.  Less than two weeks...can't wait to be finished!

And finally, since this post was kind of bland, here's a cute picture of Tessa I took.  Ian says the picture makes him sad - I don't know what he's talking about.  I see this picture and it makes me laugh.

Well, this isn't a fun way to start a Friday...

I woke up, feeling good that the sun was shining in and I had slept somewhat well, and that it's Friday.

I got online and checked my email.  And the blood drained from my face for a couple seconds, then came back to my face and steam started blowing from my ears.

You see, I have a final project due on Monday.  It's a semester long negotiation project.  The entire situation is a simulation - so I have a client (really he's a guy friend who is playing the part), and have to negotiate with opposing counsel (someone else in my class) who is representing a client (also a friend of his who is playing the part).  We have to negotiate a final separation agreement, write the agreement, etc.

We reached final agreement last Friday.  I think both clients are walking away with a fair deal according to Maryland law and caselaw.  I got an email at 1am from my opposing counsel saying he waited to talk with his client until yesterday about what was agreed to, and that she doesn't accept any of it.

He got a phone call from me at 8am this morning (not sure if I woke him up - but really don't care) expressing my dissatisfaction for him waiting a full week to get back to me.  I explained that I thought it was unprofessional and inconsiderate.  As much as I am taking this negotiation seriously, I recognize that we both still have other obligations at school, for exams, etc.  And I certainly have tried to be professional and considerate throughout the negotiation process.  I'm disappointed he has not done the same (and said that to him).  He was speechless - I don't think he was expecting me to be so blunt.  But I don't have the time to beat around the bush with him.

If we don't reach agreement - we each have to write a 10 page, single spaced, paper.  To say I am stressing out would be an understatement.

I had emailed him before calling him, so I asked that he take a look and get back to me immediately.  I'm waiting...