Tonight, as I took a bite of pork dumplings that I had just cooked because I didn't have time to make a real dinner, I sighed as I looked down and saw Tessa staring at me expectantly. Ian was putting Luca to bed, and while I wished I could just sit and have a few minutes to eat by myself, my pup had not been walked since Ian left for work this morning.
It was a very long day. I had to do a run to costco to get a few things, but it happens to be about a 35 minute drive each way. That does not seem like a bad thing, until you factor in a child who is unhappy in the car these days because it straps her down. I continually hand individual toys back to her until she tires of it, then is ready for a new one. I keep a stash of items in the car specifically for this little game, but she will easily make it through the stash within 15 minutes, then becomes restless and just wants out of the carseat. It makes car rides full of anxiety for me, and tests my patience every single day. Costco was full of maniac last-minute shoppers. I patiently manuevered my way through the store, getting my normal items (diapers, wipes, keurig coffee, trash bags, etc.). I even kept my patience as I held a screaming Luca in my arms while trying to check-out.
Then, I dropped off the cold items back at the house, picked up my goddaughter, and headed to stop #2 - the mall. I have mentioned before that I hate malls. I get overwhelmed and hot and feel the need to escape almost as soon as I get to the parking lot. I will spare you the details of this trip but consider it safe to say that it was a lot worse for my anxiety being that we are 3 days before Christmas and extremely crowded. And with Luca there, I was so worried about the germs surrounding her.
Finally, we made it to stop #3 - the liquor store for a couple last minute items.
By the time I made it home, I had been gone on errands for 6 hours. Luca had reached her breaking point. I was in the same boat.
Then I got home, and Tessa was in my face, wanting attention. I had no more patience. But I put on my raincoat and boots, and headed out into the rain to walk her. It was cool, but not too cold. And the rain felt good. I pulled the hood back from my face and let the rain hit my skin. I listened around me and heard sirens in the distance. Then once those faded, I heard the pitter-patter as the rain hit the pavement. I heard Tessa's collar chiming as she walked through the grass. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths and let the rain wash away the stress of the day.
I took my time walking her, in no rush to go back inside. And as I walked, I purposely reminded myself of all I have to be grateful for. And I thanked God for all of my blessings, even on a demanding day. I walked back inside, dried Tessa's paws, hung up my coat, sat back down, took a bite of the remaining dumplings, and took a big sip of wine, feeling much better afterall.
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, June 28, 2010
I hate insurance companies
Seriously - why are health insurance companies so difficult to deal with? We have been paying a shit ton of money for all of my doctor appointments. It's really pretty insane to me that we already pay a ton for insurance, then we also end up paying 20% of all our appointments, lab work, x-rays, hospital stays, etc. 20% of the entire bill!
Remember when I went to the hospital a little while ago? I was in the hospital for about 5.5 hours. They did some lab work (urine culture, internal check), ultrasound of my kidneys, and monitored baby girl's heart rate and my contractions. I had no medication, no IV, no other procedures. The entire hospital bill was $1200 (we were responsible for $20%). Is that not insane?! Ugh, thinking about what the labor and delivery will cost us gives me a headache. (I SO think I should be discounted for refusing an IV and other medications when I go in, but, that so will not happen.)
People may be confused as to why we pay this much. I am confused as well. But, with me in school, we are under Ian's company's insurance plan. Out of the three plans offered by them, we picked the best insurance plan possible that allows us to see whichever doctor we choose and costs us the most per paycheck. That being said, the insurance plans his company offers are simply bad choices. The company switched insurance plans this past year and clearly chose plans that would allow the company to pay less, and the employees to pay more. It's incredibly frustrating!
We basically go into every appointment not knowing what the hell we'll end up paying out of pocket. It's frustrating to get a bill in the mail that surprises us and worries us. Luckily, we planned for big medical costs this year by putting a lot into a flexible spending account. But still, with that being depleted quite quickly, it reminds me to be grateful that we even have insurance. But it also reminds me that the health insurance issues in our country need to be resolved!
Remember when I went to the hospital a little while ago? I was in the hospital for about 5.5 hours. They did some lab work (urine culture, internal check), ultrasound of my kidneys, and monitored baby girl's heart rate and my contractions. I had no medication, no IV, no other procedures. The entire hospital bill was $1200 (we were responsible for $20%). Is that not insane?! Ugh, thinking about what the labor and delivery will cost us gives me a headache. (I SO think I should be discounted for refusing an IV and other medications when I go in, but, that so will not happen.)
People may be confused as to why we pay this much. I am confused as well. But, with me in school, we are under Ian's company's insurance plan. Out of the three plans offered by them, we picked the best insurance plan possible that allows us to see whichever doctor we choose and costs us the most per paycheck. That being said, the insurance plans his company offers are simply bad choices. The company switched insurance plans this past year and clearly chose plans that would allow the company to pay less, and the employees to pay more. It's incredibly frustrating!
We basically go into every appointment not knowing what the hell we'll end up paying out of pocket. It's frustrating to get a bill in the mail that surprises us and worries us. Luckily, we planned for big medical costs this year by putting a lot into a flexible spending account. But still, with that being depleted quite quickly, it reminds me to be grateful that we even have insurance. But it also reminds me that the health insurance issues in our country need to be resolved!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Hot
*If you haven't left a guess as to when you think baby girl will arrive, please do so now! Leave a comment on this post with the date and time you think she'll be born, along with how big you think she'll be (height and weight). The height and weight will be used if there's a tie.
This heat is bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S). It's actually making me a little cranky. I really want to go for a walk - but 100 degrees + humidity = swollen feet for this lady (besides the fact that I sweat like a pig).
I've been staying indoors as much as possible. This morning, I had a meeting with one of the deans at my school. My schedule is still not sorted out for the fall, and well, it needs to be so I can confirm childcare. Really my schedule is in great shape except for 1 class. There is only 1 other 4-credit class offered on the two days that I plan on being at school, and it is full. I was hoping that some begging might let them bump me into the class, but nope. Instead, they said I'm stuck. Either I have to find childcare for another day per week, jump through hoops to get the minimum credits to stay full-time, or drop to part-time (which would entail not getting as much financial aid, and not graduating on time). Clearly, dropping to part-time does not seem to be an option.
Now, I'm off to research some alternatives. I don't know how I'm going to be a mom and make law school work when my school isn't really willing to accomodate me. Disappointing, for sure.
This heat is bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S). It's actually making me a little cranky. I really want to go for a walk - but 100 degrees + humidity = swollen feet for this lady (besides the fact that I sweat like a pig).
I've been staying indoors as much as possible. This morning, I had a meeting with one of the deans at my school. My schedule is still not sorted out for the fall, and well, it needs to be so I can confirm childcare. Really my schedule is in great shape except for 1 class. There is only 1 other 4-credit class offered on the two days that I plan on being at school, and it is full. I was hoping that some begging might let them bump me into the class, but nope. Instead, they said I'm stuck. Either I have to find childcare for another day per week, jump through hoops to get the minimum credits to stay full-time, or drop to part-time (which would entail not getting as much financial aid, and not graduating on time). Clearly, dropping to part-time does not seem to be an option.
Now, I'm off to research some alternatives. I don't know how I'm going to be a mom and make law school work when my school isn't really willing to accomodate me. Disappointing, for sure.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
We have so little control
It is not always easy to do what is best for yourself. This could involve even the more mundane things like eating healthy, working out enough, taking time for just yourself, or could involve more serious subjects like walking out of a bad relationship, turning your back on a friend, or getting yourself treatment for [enter any form of mental disease, anxiety, or substance abuse].
It is especially difficult when friends or family oppose what you are doing. For me, dealing with my recent family drama, I am going against what feels natural. I want to jump in and fix things and make things all better - that's just in my nature. It's more difficult for me to walk away because it means having to accept that I cannot control everything. As a person, I am very organized and some would even say rigid. So, accepting that some things are out of my control is difficult. But that doesn't change the fact that it's necessary. And that it may be in my best interest to walk away, to not get involved, to change this pattern of always trying to fix things.
It's hard to accept that the only thing I can control is me. My reactions, how long I sit and dwell on things, and whether I want to focus on the positive or negative in my life, and the positive or negative people in my life. The rest, it's out of my hands.
Coming to this realization is also freeing. Even though it goes against everything in my body that screams CONTROL, it lifts things off my shoulders to say, it's not in my hands.
With the family drama, I've gotten mixed opinions on how I am handling the situation. I have chosen to walk away from the situation and person. Most family and friends who know about the situation have been incredibly supportive. But a couple others want me to get over it, or offer advice of what works for them - they think it'll be easiest for the entire family if I just go back to the way things used to be, of me fixing things. As much as I appreciate their advice, they are offering what is best for them. They don't want to deal with the awkwardness of the situation. That's the difference. What works for someone else may not work for me.
Then there are my two bestest friends who only have my interest at heart - they are focusing on me, baby and Ian. And they seriously have been my life savers. They remind me when I need it, they bring me up when I'm down, and they are so incredibly supportive. They are the two best friends a girl could ever ask for.
But, that's not to say that there are not consequences to the way I am choosing to react to the horrible situation. There are some very sad consequences to the situation. Like the fact that I won't have a shower for this baby. At least not the type of shower I always imagined I'd have. I may have a small one with my closest friends, but there won't be a family shower, or a shower with all of our family friends there. And as sad as I am for me, I'm mostly sad for my baby. She deserves to be showered by all of our family and friends. She deserves to see, in the album I'm making her of what life was like while she was in the womb, the pictures from a shower with everyone excited for her arrival. She deserves all of that.
The next question I'm faced with in this whole scheme of things is do I want to have a shower at all? If I can't have the baby shower I've always wanted, is it worth it to me? Most of my friends say I need to have some type of shower. But I'm not so sure I want one. It almost will be more sad to have one, knowing that the family drama has taken away the shower I'd always wanted. I almost feel better not having one at all, and Ian and I showering our own baby with all of the love and gifts we can. I can't imagine showing our baby girl pictures of a shower where her family isn't there. And this isn't a situation where we can invite some family and not others - if we have one, no family will be there. Awkward, right??
It seems like less stress to not have one as well. If we were to have one, but not the one where all of our family and friends can be a part of, I know I'd be super involved in the planning and deciding on things. I don't want that. I've had enough stressful moments during this pregnancy and quite honestly, I just want to sit back and relax and focus all of my joy on our baby girl once school is over.
So what do you do when you don't know what the best choice is for you? I know I'm not giving tons of details of what's going on here, but how would you handle the whole shower dilemma?
It is especially difficult when friends or family oppose what you are doing. For me, dealing with my recent family drama, I am going against what feels natural. I want to jump in and fix things and make things all better - that's just in my nature. It's more difficult for me to walk away because it means having to accept that I cannot control everything. As a person, I am very organized and some would even say rigid. So, accepting that some things are out of my control is difficult. But that doesn't change the fact that it's necessary. And that it may be in my best interest to walk away, to not get involved, to change this pattern of always trying to fix things.
It's hard to accept that the only thing I can control is me. My reactions, how long I sit and dwell on things, and whether I want to focus on the positive or negative in my life, and the positive or negative people in my life. The rest, it's out of my hands.
Coming to this realization is also freeing. Even though it goes against everything in my body that screams CONTROL, it lifts things off my shoulders to say, it's not in my hands.
With the family drama, I've gotten mixed opinions on how I am handling the situation. I have chosen to walk away from the situation and person. Most family and friends who know about the situation have been incredibly supportive. But a couple others want me to get over it, or offer advice of what works for them - they think it'll be easiest for the entire family if I just go back to the way things used to be, of me fixing things. As much as I appreciate their advice, they are offering what is best for them. They don't want to deal with the awkwardness of the situation. That's the difference. What works for someone else may not work for me.
Then there are my two bestest friends who only have my interest at heart - they are focusing on me, baby and Ian. And they seriously have been my life savers. They remind me when I need it, they bring me up when I'm down, and they are so incredibly supportive. They are the two best friends a girl could ever ask for.
But, that's not to say that there are not consequences to the way I am choosing to react to the horrible situation. There are some very sad consequences to the situation. Like the fact that I won't have a shower for this baby. At least not the type of shower I always imagined I'd have. I may have a small one with my closest friends, but there won't be a family shower, or a shower with all of our family friends there. And as sad as I am for me, I'm mostly sad for my baby. She deserves to be showered by all of our family and friends. She deserves to see, in the album I'm making her of what life was like while she was in the womb, the pictures from a shower with everyone excited for her arrival. She deserves all of that.
The next question I'm faced with in this whole scheme of things is do I want to have a shower at all? If I can't have the baby shower I've always wanted, is it worth it to me? Most of my friends say I need to have some type of shower. But I'm not so sure I want one. It almost will be more sad to have one, knowing that the family drama has taken away the shower I'd always wanted. I almost feel better not having one at all, and Ian and I showering our own baby with all of the love and gifts we can. I can't imagine showing our baby girl pictures of a shower where her family isn't there. And this isn't a situation where we can invite some family and not others - if we have one, no family will be there. Awkward, right??
It seems like less stress to not have one as well. If we were to have one, but not the one where all of our family and friends can be a part of, I know I'd be super involved in the planning and deciding on things. I don't want that. I've had enough stressful moments during this pregnancy and quite honestly, I just want to sit back and relax and focus all of my joy on our baby girl once school is over.
So what do you do when you don't know what the best choice is for you? I know I'm not giving tons of details of what's going on here, but how would you handle the whole shower dilemma?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Bullet Point Monday
Random Monday thoughts in bullet- form:
- Friday was a very bad day for me. I wish I could say that I'm feeling all better - but unfortunately I'm still feeling kind of down. Hoping this will pass and that these stressful things that aren't necessary can pass. Trying to accept that some stresses are unavoidable - but the stresses I can avoid I am trying to leave alone.
- I took a long walk this morning with Tessa to work on her training (I want her to be very responsive when I'm walking her to prepare her for when I get big and may not be as balanced, and also for when I'm walking with the stroller). It felt really great to get moving. Thinking I'm going to try to get out every morning this week for a speed walk and take in the brisk air.
- Got some stuff done this weekend: got some presents for the bride whose wedding I am in, picked up some more stroller accessories that came into REI, returned some clothes at Old Navy, bought a birthing ball and 2 prenatal exercise DVDs, filled out our birthing class packet and am sending it in tomorrow, emailed the parents listserv for my area to get recommendations on a new OB/midwives practice, read more in our hypnobirthing book.
- Received our carseat and carseat adapter as presents (more necessities taken care of - yippee)
- Went through my entire wardrobe and pulled out all my winter clothes to be put into the basement. Also pulled out all of my summer clothes that I'll never fit into this summer. It made me realize that I am in desperate need of buying some more maternity clothes - my armoire is practically empty now!
- Snuggled a lot with the hubby - trying to enjoy as much just-the-two-of-us time as possible. I was feeling very needy (see bullet 1) and inevitably laying around and just taking in the quiet with Ian seems to help soothe me. I seriously love my husband.
- Watched baby girl move my belly a ton this weekend. We often just sit down on the couch and stare in awe, imagining what game she's playing in there (yoga, soccer, swimming, gymnastics, dancing?).
- Went to church and felt baby girl moving all about as she normally does at church - I think she liked when I sing (not that I have a fantastic voice, but I think it must be soothing to hear music).
- I made Peanut Butter Chocolate Pillows, and I would've posted a picture - but they are all gone already (oops). Seriously these cookies are addictive. Note - I am not vegan or vegetarian, and I am still obsessed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Breaking Point
This semester has been really hard for me for various reasons. I had been trying to manage my stress throughout the semester. But I finally hit a wall today. The schoolwork is kicking my butt, I have family drama that always seems to emerge at the most inopportune times, and I'm overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that needs to be done to prepare for baby's arrival - the stuff that can't wait like interviewing a doula and possibly changing OB practices (this is a whole other post in itself). And I'm feeling so incredibly alone.
Nobody can help me with the schoolwork. Everyone is tired of the family drama and wants to ignore it (I don't blame them), and/or people just don't know what to suggest to help the situation anymore - we've tried everything I can think of. And as much as Ian can help with some of the baby preparations, ultimately a lot of it rests on my shoulders (because he can't choose a new OB practice or the doula for us).
I'm tired. I've been crying off an on all day. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I know my anxiety is not good for baby girl which makes me even more overwhelmed/guilty/upset. This is supposed to be the most amazing time in my life - but today it's not feeling so amazing. I am incredibly grateful that baby girl is happy and healthy in there, and that I'm having a very smooth pregnancy. But these other areas of my life - something's gotta give.
Nobody can help me with the schoolwork. Everyone is tired of the family drama and wants to ignore it (I don't blame them), and/or people just don't know what to suggest to help the situation anymore - we've tried everything I can think of. And as much as Ian can help with some of the baby preparations, ultimately a lot of it rests on my shoulders (because he can't choose a new OB practice or the doula for us).
I'm tired. I've been crying off an on all day. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I know my anxiety is not good for baby girl which makes me even more overwhelmed/guilty/upset. This is supposed to be the most amazing time in my life - but today it's not feeling so amazing. I am incredibly grateful that baby girl is happy and healthy in there, and that I'm having a very smooth pregnancy. But these other areas of my life - something's gotta give.
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's Friday!
I have lots of random things to talk about today.
First, I was checking out another blogger's post recently, and I loved something she wrote:
"Really we cannot control which hand we are dealt, but it is all about HOW we play those cards. How we react to the hand we are given-if you spend so much time crying at the door that has been slammed in your face you will never see the window which has been opened for you."
Some stuff is going on in our lives that is causing us lots of stress recently. This quote reminded me that I need to focus on all of the things I can control. I can eat healthy, surround myself with people who understand and support me and remind me to stay balanced. I can pray, read things that keep me balanced, go to church each week, lean on Ian when I need to, and of course, focus on our little yogi and all things baby. This is an amazing time in our lives, and I am trying my best to make it exactly that.
Second, even though I have a lot going on and need support, I realized I need alone time. Ian had plans with one of his buddies to grab dinner and beers after work. He asked if I wanted to go, and I didn't feel like it, so instead, after grabbing some Mr. Yogato with Kim, I spent my night alone. Well, not all alone. Tessa kept me company. But it was nice to have that time to myself. I told Ian he needs to do this more often - more than like once in a blue moon. He was offended at first, but then when I explained why, he completely understood. After all, he has two nights to himself per week because I have 2 night classes. What does he do while I'm gone? Eat crappy foods and play video games. Ha.
Third, it's FRIDAY! I woke up feeling so happy that I am one class away from the weekend. I am heading to the gym after class - something I haven't done in over a month. Tomorrow, we have brunch plans with some friends who just found out they are pregnant too! Tomorrow night, we are checking out a restaurant we've been wanting to try for awhile now - I'll have a review of it on Monday. I have plans to get work done somewhere in there, and sticking to our goal of going to church every week.
Have a wonderful weekend!
First, I was checking out another blogger's post recently, and I loved something she wrote:
"Really we cannot control which hand we are dealt, but it is all about HOW we play those cards. How we react to the hand we are given-if you spend so much time crying at the door that has been slammed in your face you will never see the window which has been opened for you."
Some stuff is going on in our lives that is causing us lots of stress recently. This quote reminded me that I need to focus on all of the things I can control. I can eat healthy, surround myself with people who understand and support me and remind me to stay balanced. I can pray, read things that keep me balanced, go to church each week, lean on Ian when I need to, and of course, focus on our little yogi and all things baby. This is an amazing time in our lives, and I am trying my best to make it exactly that.
Second, even though I have a lot going on and need support, I realized I need alone time. Ian had plans with one of his buddies to grab dinner and beers after work. He asked if I wanted to go, and I didn't feel like it, so instead, after grabbing some Mr. Yogato with Kim, I spent my night alone. Well, not all alone. Tessa kept me company. But it was nice to have that time to myself. I told Ian he needs to do this more often - more than like once in a blue moon. He was offended at first, but then when I explained why, he completely understood. After all, he has two nights to himself per week because I have 2 night classes. What does he do while I'm gone? Eat crappy foods and play video games. Ha.
Third, it's FRIDAY! I woke up feeling so happy that I am one class away from the weekend. I am heading to the gym after class - something I haven't done in over a month. Tomorrow, we have brunch plans with some friends who just found out they are pregnant too! Tomorrow night, we are checking out a restaurant we've been wanting to try for awhile now - I'll have a review of it on Monday. I have plans to get work done somewhere in there, and sticking to our goal of going to church every week.
Have a wonderful weekend!
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