Going back to law school has been an adjustment. In the beginning, I told myself it would feel like normal in no time. Deep breath.
But I'm a month in now, and it has not gotten easier. It does not feel normal. I realized that being in school while being a wife and mom is just plain hard. I constantly have to balance which role comes first at that moment. I know it will be worth it and I have no regrets about doing this, and doing it right now, but I think it will just be plain hard from here on out.
Luca, thank God, is totally fine with me having other things to do. Ian has had to take on more alone time with Luca on the weekends. And I spend a full weekend day doing work.
But it made me think that this feeling, of feeling like I am being pulled in different directions, is likely what it is like for any working mom (stay-at-home-moms of course have extremely important, hard work so please do not think that I am saying any differently). Working moms have different hats to wear. They have to focus and be 100% on at work, while also taking care of being mom 100% too. Yet somehow, I think even at work all moms leave a piece of their hearts at home. That is what I find difficult - when I am doing schoolwork, I worry about what Luca is up to, even just wondering what she is doing, and when I spend time with her, my mind is constantly going through everything I need to get done for school.
Do we ever really fully adjust or find a happy balance? Or do we just learn to balance in a way that does not leave us feeling miserable? Guilt. Worry. Two feelings I think come with the territory of being a parent. Is there a way to ever let go of these feelings?
I attended a workshop at my previous job. It was all about work-life balance. And the speaker said something like, "in what universe did we get the impression that we can be 100% at every single thing we do? Mom, wife, businesswomen, fit, daughter, sister, friend. This 'have it all' mentality is dangerous and sets us up to constantly feel overwhelmed. We cannot be 100% in each area, all the time. Balance is about divvying up our time and energy to equal 100%."
That speaker left a big impact on me. It is true that when I let go of this need to be perfect in all areas of my life, it is freeing. It allows me to focus on each task better. For me, my top priorities are my marriage and Luca - everything else will have to be behind that. If that means less time on school work, then so be it.
I am making sure to keep a good fiction book next to the bed to read before I go to sleep at night. It relaxes me, and keeps my mind from wondering to that massive list of to-do's. I know that if I let myself start worrying, my mind starts racing and before I know it, it will be 2am and I will still be awake, worrying.
Breathe. One day at a time. This is just a phase. It will all be worth it. At least that's what I keep telling myself.