Friday, August 31, 2012

On being dumped

I got dumped.  Before you start freaking out (all you two readers that are still left), no, Ian and I are just fine.  One of my best friends broke up with me.  (Which sparked this post the other day.)

My initial reaction upon seeing the words "I’m just not able to take this friendship any further" was devastation.  She explained that I did not do anything wrong.  And thinking back, there really is not anything I could pinpoint that would lead someone to end a very close friendship, and end it through email.  The email provided me no specifics other than that she is headed in a different direction and ended with something similar to a "and best of luck in your future endeavors" type response you would get from a college rejection letter.

9 years.  College roommates.  She was one of the two friends I asked to be with me on Luca's transplant day.  She was by my side at our wedding.  We stayed with her family during the first couple weeks of Luca's transplant hospitalization because her family lives close to the hospital.  We have shared many, many secrets.

I cried a lot.  I asked questions, both to myself and her.  I said I deserved more after 9 years of friendship, than what I received in that email.  I deserved to have information that would at least allow me to learn from this.  I have yet to receive any form of reply, and am not expecting anything from her at this point.

I have certainly had fall outs with friends before.  But it was because we had both just naturally outgrown the friendship, or because there had been a big blow-up fight in which words were said that would never allow the friendship to repair.  But never like this.  Never without any warning.  Never completely one-sided.  Never through an email.

Ian and I have discussed the situation at length.  We have some theories about where it might stem from, but nothing that would have been reason enough to end a long-time friendship, and end it like this through an email.  It seems clear that she is going through some type of major life change.  But what confuses me is why it is necessary to cut friends out of one's life when doing so.  It makes me sad for her that she could not, at 29 years old, be honest and open and open to questions. 

There are so many ways one can handle the deterioration of a friendship.  Not like this.  This is unacceptable.  In my opinion, it was cowardly.  It was downright mean.  While hearing any such news would have been hurtful, it could have been handled in a way that provided answers, and showed that she actually respected me and the friendship we had.  My belief is that if you would not end a long-term good work relationship, or a love relationship, or any other type of relationship that had been a good one, through email, it is not an acceptable form of communication to end a friendship.

I am hurt, angry, confused, and feel absolutely betrayed.  Exactly how I felt when I had my heart broken years and years ago when various boy relationships fell apart.  But there are some things that are different.

I have a husband by me who loves me unconditionally.  I have a beautiful little girl who is the strongest person I have ever met and who is teaching me about what is important in life on a daily basis.  I have family.  I have true friends who are here reassuring me of exactly the type of friend I am, and the type of friend I deserve.  And within me, I have confidence that I did not have years and years ago.  The hurt that I feel just shows how much I deeply care for my friendships.  I would not be me if I did not feel hurt by a friend leaving my life.  I know I would drop anything for any one of my friends.  I rejoice in my friends good news, and am sad right with them when they have a heavy heart.  I am a loyal friend.

Life will go on.  I will recover just fine.  She is not a part of my everyday life.  We live hours apart and did not talk on the phone all the time.  Right now, I want to eliminate everything to do with her - pictures, memories, emails, phone numbers.  I have not acted on this desire other than to block her and her family from being able to get updates on Luca's caringbridge website.  I just want to protect us a bit and do not want her being able to get updates on how we are doing through that - if she cared, she would not have cut me out of her life. 

Hopefully when the dust settles and my heart heals a bit, I can remember our friendship with a smile on my face and wish her well on whatever journey she is taking.

"True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."


  1. You are right, life will go on, but I would be hurt just like you. Hopefully soon she can respond to you and let you know why she is "done". I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain too.

  2. Oh wow. That must have been an incredible slap in the face, I would be so upset. Why on Earth send someone a "termination of friendship" letter? I don't know, maybe it is easier to know she is bowing out of your life, rather than watch her dwindle away slowly over time? but still, so harsh. So so harsh. Whatever her reasons, and I can't even begin to speculate, don't let it slow you down. You have a lot on your plate every single day and you need as much positive energy as possible. Let it hurt a bit, grieve the loss, and then I know you'll dust off and move on. I'm really sorry.

    1. I love the term "termination of friendship" letter - that is exactly what it was! Thanks, Mindy1

  3. I really read this and kept thinking how could anyone do that. What a terrible terrible thing. I'm sorry.. But everyone is right. You have to move on. You have an amazing family and your doing a wonderful job with everything. Keep your head up and move on! Hugs!

    1. You and I both know our priorities in life - these little girls! Thank you!

  4. That's just so....bizarre! (On her end, not yours.) Sending lots of love your way, mama.

  5. How weird to just send an email without much of an explanation. If I were you I would totally ask for answers to my questions to try to figure out what happened.

    Life will go on, but I get your frustration.

  6. What to the what? There is a such thing as a "let's-not-be-friends-anymore" discussion?...or one-way communication...whatever. Wow, I'm so sorry that you were hurt! :(

  7. wow. If she won't give you reasons, then it must be something she's going through. I could speculate all day long, but in the end, it's just not worth it. You have what matters - family, friendships, and lots of love. This sucks, but as someone else said above, just be glad that she cut it off quick rather than spend months being a crappy friend, letting the friendship just deteriorate and waste everyone's time. Hugs!


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