Still in Disbelief

*My 17 week update will be coming tonight or tomorrow.  I normally have Ian take my weekly bump photo on Monday nights after I get back from class but since I didn't have class last night, I was sitting in sweats with my glasses on, hair up, looking like a hot mess.  So we'll have to get a photo when I'm looking and feeling a little more lady presentable.

Every Tuesday morning, when I reach another week of this pregnancy, I wake up with a sense of excitement.  I normally feel my belly and say "I love you baby" and head downstairs.  I grab my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and turn over the page, that is marked with a bookmark, to whatever week I'm in to learn about how big baby is now, and to see how baby is progressing this week. 

I take out the two ultrasound photos (that are tucked inside the book) of baby from when I was just over 8 weeks pregnant and imagine how much different baby will look in 3 weeks when we go in for the BIG ultrasound.  I stare at the images in amazement, and can't help but continue to ask, is this really happening?  Is there really a baby in there?  Am I really this lucky?  Is my body really growing a little human?

I am not sure if this disbelief will ever go away.  Maybe I'll start believing this is real when we go in for our big ultrasound, or am able to feel baby moving all the time.  But I wonder if it won't really, like truly, feel real until baby is here, in our arms.  It feels like it's too good to be true.

These thoughts run through my head nonstop.  I keep waiting for something to go wrong, because we've been so incredibly lucky, blessed, for this adventure to come into our lives sooner than we both could've imagined or planned.  I always thought I'd have trouble getting pregnant for some reason.  I guess that's the pessimistic side of me, or the control freak part of me, that I was always preparing for the worse so it wouldn't hurt as much if it happened.  But everything has been smooth.  We got pregnant without trying, we made it through that scary first trimester, and my pregnancy has been smooth sailing for the most part.  I cannot escape fears that we've been too lucky, that we're missing something, that we'll wake up and this will all have been a dream.  I understand that these fears aren't necessarily rational.  But I've faced so many trying situations over the past few years (many of which I do not share on this blog), that it's hard to believe things could go right for once.  And I cannot help but wonder, is it finally our time to have something go so right?  I hope and pray so.  I really do.