Thursday, October 14, 2010

Breaking Point

I normally am pretty good about our situation.  I normally think, well this sucks, and then I get on with my day because I don't want to miss the awesomeness that our baby brings to our lives.

But today, today was not one of those days.  Today was a day that brought me to crying right along with Luca.

She's been one cranky baby for the 3rd day in a row.  What's the big deal?  Babies get cranky.  I get it.  But for Luca, irritability can be a sign that she isn't stable.  It could be a sign that her ammonia is rising.  Irritability, vomiting, lethargy - all signs of rising ammonia.  So for me, the past two days have been stressful.  I've been watching her extremely closely.  And when she's been crying for awhile, I think "okay, time to go to the hospital."  Then, then, then...what does she do?  She begins smiling for the next half hour.  Little shitbag.

So today, when I woke up and realized we were in for another cranky day, it was back to worrying.  And finally, I lost it.  She was screaming, and I lost control of my emotions and sobbed right along with her.  I picked up the phone and called Ian.  Through my tears, I said I needed help, another set of eyes to help me determine whether she's okay.  He came home right away and took her off my hands.

We think she's cranky because of two white spots on her gum - as crazy as that seems, we think she's teething ridiculously early.  But apparently, I had 2 teeth at 2 months and 4 teeth at 4 months - so maybe she's following in mama's footsteps.

I hate this disorder.  It makes me question every move she makes.  Instead of just thinking "hmm, maybe she didn't sleep well" or "maybe she's teething", I automatically think "maybe that devil ammonia is in her body."

Ugh, mama needs a hug.

4 comments:

  1. Having a baby is hard and some days can make you want to curl up on the floor and bawl right along with your child. I can't even imagine how much harder it would be when you constantly have to worry whether there is a deeper meaning to the crankiness the just a bad day. I wish I were there to give you a hug because every mom needs one every now and again. I am keeping you in my prayers that they are able to do a transplant soon and Luca and you can move on to a more relaxed normal lifestyle.

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  2. I wish I were closer to give you a hug. This really is the hardest part...the second-guessing.

    Trust your instincts.

    (((hugs)))

    Mindy

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  3. Sending hugs your way!! You're doing an amazing job so far with this precious little girl. Just keep following your gut!

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