Breaking Point

I normally am pretty good about our situation.  I normally think, well this sucks, and then I get on with my day because I don't want to miss the awesomeness that our baby brings to our lives.

But today, today was not one of those days.  Today was a day that brought me to crying right along with Luca.

She's been one cranky baby for the 3rd day in a row.  What's the big deal?  Babies get cranky.  I get it.  But for Luca, irritability can be a sign that she isn't stable.  It could be a sign that her ammonia is rising.  Irritability, vomiting, lethargy - all signs of rising ammonia.  So for me, the past two days have been stressful.  I've been watching her extremely closely.  And when she's been crying for awhile, I think "okay, time to go to the hospital."  Then, then, then...what does she do?  She begins smiling for the next half hour.  Little shitbag.

So today, when I woke up and realized we were in for another cranky day, it was back to worrying.  And finally, I lost it.  She was screaming, and I lost control of my emotions and sobbed right along with her.  I picked up the phone and called Ian.  Through my tears, I said I needed help, another set of eyes to help me determine whether she's okay.  He came home right away and took her off my hands.

We think she's cranky because of two white spots on her gum - as crazy as that seems, we think she's teething ridiculously early.  But apparently, I had 2 teeth at 2 months and 4 teeth at 4 months - so maybe she's following in mama's footsteps.

I hate this disorder.  It makes me question every move she makes.  Instead of just thinking "hmm, maybe she didn't sleep well" or "maybe she's teething", I automatically think "maybe that devil ammonia is in her body."

Ugh, mama needs a hug.