Emotional Roller Coaster

This whole waiting game has me on an emotional roller coaster.  I have moments, even several hours of convincing myself to be optimistic, that baby girl WILL decide to come on her own.  Maybe she is just incredibly stubborn and does not want to be pushed.  I've talked to her and made it clear that we aren't pushing her, and that we'll be waiting and there when she's ready to come.  Then I've wondered if she's like Ian and laid back and doesn't even realize it's time to come out.  So I've told her it's time, and that we're here and waiting anxiously for her to come.  I've bribed my child.  I've told her that there are cute clothes and shoes waiting for her to try on and look adorable in.

Then I have moments/hours of feeling completely discouraged, thinking that she won't come on her own and we'll force her to come out through induction.  This thought makes me so upset.  Of all people to have to be induced, I would be devastated.  Many women opt to be induced because that's what they are comfortable with.  Others have to be induced because of medical reasons.  But me - I might have to be induced because my baby or body aren't working.  I've planned and looked forward to having a natural labor where I don't have to be hooked up to an IV or drugs because I can labor at home for as long as possible.  I knew this would be best for my anxiety, and therefore best for baby.  Now, at the thought of needing medical assistance to help this baby move out of my belly makes my anxiety sky rocket, and sends me into fits of tears.  Will they need to drug me for my anxiety?  I was really hoping to avoid that.  But every hospital stay I've ever had, I have needed something to help with my anxiety.  I don't want that to be the atmosphere that my baby is born into.  I picture her coming out into a calm atmosphere where I have been relaxed and worked hard to get her there.

I start questioning everything.  Does our baby girl not want to meet us?  Is she not ready?  Is something wrong with my body, or worse, her, and that's why she hasn't come yet?

I'm angry.  Angry at my body for not moving forward.  I'm nervous.  I'm devastated.  I'm slowly losing hope.  I'm scared.  And all at the same time, I'm ready.  And toying with all of these emotions, I'm so freaking excited to meet our baby.  But I just don't know what is going on.

Pulling myself together to go to my ultrasound.  Praying that all is okay and we can wait another few days.  I want to give her as much time as possible to come on her own.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.